


Dreams Keep You Alive

by Mila_WriterGirl



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amazingphil - Freeform, DAN AND PHIL - Freeform, Love, M/M, Phan - Freeform, danisnotonfire - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:25:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3868642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mila_WriterGirl/pseuds/Mila_WriterGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan dreams of Phil then wakes up sadly, realizing none of it was true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams Keep You Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this phanfic while listening to my friend, Alex's cover of Balloons, the lyrics might not totally fit, but check it out anyways ;) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zj6FD3AYRz8  
> I hope you enjoy this! :)

I walked close next to Phil, our arms touching. He was talking about his new interactive video idea that I could participate in too which I was really glad for, but just acted it cool so I won’t seem weird. Not as if I had to act differently in front of Phil. For some reason he liked me as I was. Maybe because he was as weird as me... in some ways. But honestly he was the greatest person I’ve ever known and sometimes I still couldn’t believe he was my friend. And not just any friend. He really listened to me and cared about me. No one ever really listened to me before, no one was interested in me that much.

We talked about how we would film the video and other video ideas while walking home. It was so good to have someone who could help in filming our videos. I remember back when I lived with my parents I had to film my videos with my webcam and it was so hard to move it around and place it in the right way. I didn’t even want to think about that time. My videos were so cringey back then.

Two girls stopped us on the way back to take photos with us. I always feel so tall and self-conscious when taking photos with fans because I know they’re the right height and I’m too tall. I wish I was at least one inch shorter or as tall as Phil, even though he's quite tall too.

On the way back we stopped to have a look in a pet shop even though we knew we wouldn’t buy anything after all. Phil claimed he had a serious conversation with the birds about the weather and that they said it will rain the next day, but the shop owner just looked at us like we were crazy and clearly wanted us out so we soon left. Maybe we were crazy, who knows. At least we weren’t crazy alone.

Phil told me he had a bird as a kid - well more like there was a bird that flew around their house every day and he called him Patty and talked to him when he was lonely. Then one day he flew away and didn’t come back and was really sad then his parents told him he probably went to hotter places because of winter, so he calmed down. He then decided to write him letters and asked him about Africa and if he was lonely or find new bird friends or even a bird girlfriend there. When it came to spring he eagerly waited for Patty to come back, but he never did. Spring and summer and autumn and another winter passed and still he never came back so Phil assumed he died on the way back to him. He then felt bad because Patty probably wouldn’t have died if he didn’t want to fly back to Phil, so he basically sacrificed himself for Phil, so he then made a funeral for him with his parents and brother and the children from the neighborhood there. 

I laughed at Phil but I thought this story extremely cute. There was always at least one story Phil still hadn’t told me about his childhood that made me smile or laugh. The weird and cute stories would probably never end.

Honestly one couldn’t really moan to Phil. I could go on about how fed up I am with life or how I have no idea what to do, then he would just shrug his shoulders and tell me a completely different joke or pat me in the back saying everything will be fine and one just wouldn’t really want to keep on moaning anymore. One can’t be sad around Phil.

I jumped up and started to walk backwards so I could look straight into Phil’s blue eyes as we talked. It’s something I would do when I was in deep conversation with someone. We decided to start watching a new anime together soon that Chris told us about as it sounded really interesting. Then I told Phil about a new video idea I had and asked his opinion on it, and he said it sounded great also he suggested some things I could add to it and said he would help me film it. Phil then told me about a weird picture he saw someone send him on twitter, showed it to me and we discussed how weird it was and that it was probably just photosopped. 

We kept on talking topic after topic, not even knowing how we got to talking about so many different things.

Then everything changed.

I crossed the road but Phil wasn’t next to me anymore. I looked back starting to call his name, but a loud crash faded my voice.

My heart stopped beating for a second then I woke up in my bed throwing the covers off myself and jumping up as if the sheets were holding me down, choking me.

My heart was beating fast throughout my whole body and I felt my hair sticking to my sweaty forehead.

Phil Lester died 7 months ago, in 2016. My AmazingPhil is dead and this dream never even happened, most of it wasn’t even true, my mind was messing with me. 

I walk down the stairs to get a drink from the kitchen. I don’t turn on the lights. Strangely I’ve learnt to love the dark since Phil died. Maybe because I’ve learnt that everyone and everything has two sides. The dark may be the scariest thing to hide terrible creatures, but it also may hide wounderful secrets and help you keep your feelings in a shadow.

Because that’s what I’ve been doing ever since. Hiding my feelings.

Hiding my fear of going outside. Hiding my fear of looking people in the eyes. Hiding my fear of answering people about how I feel. Hiding my fear of cars. I didn’t see it hit him, but I saw what it caused him. Whenever I look around on a busy street or hear a car honk My heart jumps a little. Whenever I see a person cross the road without looking up or run out on the road while it’s still red heat rises to my face. 

I pretend not to feel anything when I feel the most feelings. So many feelings I can’t bear it anymore and there is just no expression to show it, so it’s easier to pretend and show that nothing important happened and you feel the same you always did.

I thought I knew what pain is. I never felt pain before. That wasn’t pain.

I used to think of killing myself. I can’t stand myself. That is the most selfish thing to ever think. 

How can you even think of killing yourself when some people’s lives are actually taken away without them wanting it. We should all be thankful for our lives. No matter what happens to us, thinking of dying is just selfish. But living as if you’re dead is selfish too. 

I throw my glass against the wall next to me and scream. It isn’t really a scream just and outburst of anger. 

I can’t stand it anymore. It’s just too much. Fans asking if phan was ever real, the phandom breaking up because of their different views and feelings on the situation, friends asking me to hang out with them, family asking me to move back home, media saying they’re so sorry. But they don’t get it. None of that matters. I don’t matter. 

it’s not about me, it was never about me, it was always Phil. 

Phil was the reason I started to make videos Phil was the reason I got a job Phil was the reason I found my way in life Phil was the reason I started to feel happy...

I turned on the lights and cleaned up the mess I made, and meanwhile I realized I would never be able to escape any of this... until I escaped myself. I had to overcome my own fear of public humliliation, of judgment, of pride. If I wanted people to stop talking about me and behave normally around me again, I had to sort things out inside myself first. 

I decided to tell everyone everything from the beginning, not caring how it would affect my public image, just hoping that people would understand me.

I sat down in front of the camera and talked. I just talked and talked and told everything. 

I told them how I was called posh in school and how deep down inside I was always a bit afraid that I might be. I told them about how I got to know Phil and what it was like to meet him for the first time. I told them that we later admitted to each other that we both kind of liked each other romantically in the beginning but that love evolved into a much deeper and pure love - but that love wasn’t in any way romantic. I told them little memories I loved to think back to of him. I told them how much he meant to me, how he wasn’t just my best friend but the person I loved the most in the world and the person I had and would always look up to the most. And I told them how he died. I told them how scared I felt at that moment and how scared I still feel every second when my thoughts let me wander to bad things and how that fear somehow subsided but will probably never really disappear. That’s a permanent mark Phil left in me with all the other things he marked me with.

And those marks would always stay with me and remind me of his memory. But that’s just how life is.

Then I told them to leave a video message if any of them ever experienced anything like it, if they ever lost a loved one. 

I smiled reading the replies and watching the videos, because the phandom was whole again. They all felt my pain and we all felt each other’s pain and somehow helped each other get through every loss we ever experienced. 

Because that’s what the phandom should be about, that’s what this name should mean. Understanding each other’s pain and helping each other through hard times.


End file.
